warrior dash or epic fail?

Someday last winter I was clearly bored, clearly thought my athletic abilities in July would be outstanding and apparently had $50 burning a hole in my pocket. I found myself joining my sister and signing up for Warrior Dash before the next price increase and convincing R to do the same. I should have thought twice when I read "obstacle course".

no one looks like they're having fun
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Like any race, took a look at the course to start to mentally prepare myself. First of all, it's up a mountain (like a super popular ski resort kind of mountain). Secondly, it's not just running in some mud. There are all of these ridiculous obstacles that I'm planning on skipping to ensure I don't bust an ankle. I'm convinced that the sole purpose of this race it to sideline people while caking them with mud. Here's what I will be attempting: 

deadweight drifter. wtf do you do with that?
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• muddy mayhem: looks like a gross mud pit.
• warrior roast: running over fire (see above).
• cliff hanger: some semblance of thin, tiny ropes to aid you in getting up and over a large wall
• trenches: exactly what you're thinking - with barbed wire on top.
• barricade breakdown: more barbed wire - I think you're supposed to hop over the barricade, then quickly hit the ground to crawl under the wire...that's going to be my strategy.
• cargo climb: flashback to 6th grade gym class - I probably don't have any more upper body strength now than I did then.
• great warrior wall: get your ass over a huge (7 or 8 feet maybe?) wall...right.
• giant cliffhanger: another wall, this time on an angled incline with ropes to help you pull yourself along.
• deadweight drifter: I have no idea.
• hard rain: some kind of mud filled sprinkler attacks you as you try to climb something that resembles a ladder.
• leaders ledge: think balance beam.
• mortimers crossing: rope bridge across a body of water.
• mud mounds: a hill full of mud...it looks like you slide down it. My question is, why don't you just walk?
• petrifying plunge: a muddy slide down a tarp.
• road rage: run over some random cars, then high knee it through a vast display of tires.
• storming normandy: more barbed wire.
• vicious valley: more angled wall climbing, this time in succession.  

sweet baby ray, is that fire?
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 Yep... paid $50 for that. I'll be taping my ankles beyond recognition (hellloooooo cankles) and I might be the only participant in protective clothing.